I don’t know if i’ll ever publish this post, but i definitely need to write this down.
Here’s the deal: i’ve been losing perspective lately.
Blame it on some degree on burn out, put some personal issues more on than off the table, add sparkles of that impatient annoyance that weeks of sleep deprivation bring out from your inner whiner… And mix it with being surrounded by a bunch of people who twist and turn your words and attitudes into despicable ones – because they either do not know you, do not bother to, or simply decided that they don’t like you, period.
I’m comfortable with not being consensual, actually. The older i get, the less i care about people’s opinion – and the more i care about what a very selected group has in mind. Everyone has the right to an opinion about us, positive or negative but manipulating the facts in order to consciously harm you – well, that’s a whole new story. And when a simple “i need to do this first” became the header gossip as an “she refused to do it”, i knew i had a serious problem in hands.
What used to be a joyful and rewarding experience, became a surviving challenge. A constant alert state, with the mind furiously working on must and mustn’t, do’s and don’ts. The weight of my words as they come of my mouth started to depend upon the scale of other’s ears – and that will always be an uneven balance.
“If you want something, you’ll find a way, if you don’t, you’ll find an excuse” – that’s the most accurate quote i’ve ever read. And being tired – exhausted, even – kept me looking for excuses. And that’s wrong. Not only because some other people deserve better from me, but mainly and mostly because i deserve better for myself.
So now i’m opting (yet again) for now knowing. I don’t want to know what A or B thought of this or that; i don’t care if i’m tagged as good, bad or evil. I’ll just (re)focus on keep doing what i think is right, so i do not owe any excuses to myself at the end of the day.
Instead of being the wise fox, constantly searching for the best surviving techniques, i’ll go for the innocent deer who wanders around the forest, enjoying the ride. Because at the end of the day, they’ll always try to hunt me down. Whether i’m concerned about it or not, whether i’m having fun or not. But if at some point my defeated head lays in the grass, if at some point i feel i have no other option than leave and make my way somewhere else, i want to be able to feel i did my best.
So for me ignorance will, hopefully, be a blessing.
What would your choice be?
Please grab your Tea and join my table.